I dreamt with it last night. I dreamt with that day when you gave me one of your wiser advices. It was a cold frozen midday and we were in one of our lovely post meals in the middle of the forest. (There does not exist a word in any other language than Spanish for "sobremesa"). We were talking about a difficult situation for me. And you said: Don't do it because of the rest, do it or do not do it for you, because whenever you do something you're not confortable with, or that it's against your values, you will feel miserable.
It's that the word which is stuck in my head from that moment: miserable. It's such a powerful word. And like our conversation was, as always, hopelessly, in English, when the advice comes to my mind is in the same language and pronunciation, and the reminder of the word so is. Miserable.
I've needed to think about this advice too many times from that day. That means it was a really good and useful one, but it also implies that I've had to wonder about myself and what it's good for me too much. But I've found out that the worst it's not having to take in count that tip. The truly bad part is when I forget to follow it, and then I discover myself with the word running in circles around me, like a vulture, telling me I've acted wrong, remembering me I've commited a mistake. To feel miserable because one's acts and decisions is one of the worst feelings I've ever had. Because there's no one you can blame, you can't justify yourself, it's just your fault.
So, yesterday night I had this dream, and our dialogue returned to my mind. I woke up confused, and I'm still. Cause I don't know what it means in this moment: if I've done something I should feel miserable with, or if I'm gonna do it very soon. Sometimes dreams are a sign by our conscience to sow an alert in us; others, dreams try to give us hints to figure out what we've let happen without realizing.
I will wait till the next dream, or nightmare, or sleepless night, to solve this case. But anyway, the crows are already flying in my clouds, whispering the same damn word. Miserable... Miserable... Miserable.